The Saddest Itsy-Bitsy

Remember how I told you that I had a really specific stroke that made me forget how to do The Itsy-Bitsy Spider? I was serious. And guess who just learned how to use her WEBCAM and is ready to show you the proof, in all of its green, low-quality, night-nostrilled glory:



BASK

Two Weeks

Linebreak's Two Weeks anthology just went on sale, and if you go buy it you will own my poem "The Hunt for a Newborn Gary" which is about the phenomenon of gary-extinction. When was the last time you saw a young gary in the wild? A little baby gary, fat and sleek and black-eyed? The answer is never because they are dying out. Sorry if your name is Gary but guess what I bet it isn't!

You can also hear me doing SUCH A BAD JOB of reading "Poem for Lu Chi" by Matthew Zapruder. Poor Matthew Zapruder -- first I draw him a horse with boobs and now this. I still have my cough so in order to be able to read smoothly I had to take this giant dose of Children's Robitussin just before and I was FLYING. Go listen; you can totally tell.

Also "e-readers" are just lumps of calculator metal to me so I haven't even seen it yet; I don't even know who's reading my poem. WHO DO YOU THINK IS READING IT. Hey, if you guess correctly in the comments I will give you the word Award!

ETA: The cover photo depicts two ghosts masturbating each other in a hallway. GET THIS GEM

EETA: Awww, Matthew Henriksen reads my poem! It can't have been easy to basically just repeat the word "Gary" for three minutes and make it sound interesting so good job to this wizard boy.

ATTENTION

Open letter to the man who just came to my blog looking for "saltwater mussel pussy" -- if you are big enough to type, saltwater mussel pussy is too small for you.

FEBRUARY 2011 POETRY PARTY

My contributor's copies of Poetry came in the mail; I'm in the February issue! There are poems from Carolyn Forché and Thomas Lynch and Todd Swift and Jessica Jopp and John Ridland and Lisa Russ Spaar and Andrea Cohen and Ange Mlinko and Alberto Ríos and Alicia Ostriker and then there is a poem from me. Now ask me if I'm going to be cool about this. I AM NOT GOING TO BE COOL AT ALL.

Uncool things I have done so far:

Smelled it
Called my mom
Read the poem out loud in my mirror for like an hour pretending to be Famous

Uncool thing I am about to do:

HAVE A PARTY

Okay, this is what the issue looks like. When your first issue of Poetry comes and there's an evil little wolf on the cover you throw a party, period, no arguments. I'm about two seconds, no lie, from getting this wolf tattooed on my face:

My poem is called "The Church of the Open Crayon Box" and it's about crayons and The Frontier and hunter-trappers and horses and and pinewoods and log cabins. There is a man named "Whitey BaLavender" in it. I put a man named Whitey BaLavender inside Poetry. Why did they let me? Pity is the most likely answer, and that milkiest of human milk called Kindness.

As you know, all parties start with a question, like what do you want to drink, or would you mind taking off your shoes, or did you put your key in the bowl. So here is my question: Did you know that crayons look so freaky now?

MORPH PHOTOS INTO A CARTOON CHARACTER. Well there goes the rest of my day.

You know I love to decorate for a party! Um let's see what fun decorations do I have lying around:

 NOT a line from the poem, sadly

Why would a person even do this

Do you like how the letters get progressively darker 

and bolder because I am insane

Obviously I made a crown to wear for the party, did you think I wouldn't? I tried to put some crayon antlers on this crown because there is a deer in the poem but Physics wouldn't let me, so I consoled myself with a frontal sunburst of radiant gold:

This is the closest thing to a Frontier Outfit I had. I swore there were horses all over this shirt but on closer inspection it seems they're actually unicorns. I guess dreams do come true!

This one has Basement Photoshoot written all over it

Nice pose, genius

There is nothing I could say that would make this Okay

It wasn't supposed to be like this. These pictures were supposed to look classy and celebratory and graciously modest, and then...my natural instincts took over? I don't know. The only pictures where you could see my crown, my Frontier Outfit, both contributor's copies, and the plastic wolf also happened to be the ones where I was showing you alllll of my total business.

JUST DEAL WITH IT

Then I got the idea to pretend to be throwing up the wolf, and that was rather more elegant, I know you'll agree:

Next I was going to post pictures of me taking shots of corn whiskey out of the skull of a jackrabbit because that's what you do at a Frontier Party, but I don't even know what corn whiskey is and I couldn't find the skull of a jackrabbit and it's only eleven in the morning anyway so why don't you just imagine that one!

IN CONCLUSION

THANK YOU POETRY

I UNDERSTAND THAT THIS WILL NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN

I LOVE YOU ANYWAY, FOREVER

Why Is Pure Sound So Hard to Find

There is a beeep beeep beeep in this new apartment, and I'm trying to conquer it with Free Noises from Nature, which isn't working very well because Free Noises from Nature are...bonkers, generally. The first one I tried was Free Rain Sounds and there was an earsplitting CRACK OF THUNDER every fifteen minutes or so which almost gave me a nervous breakdown because I never knew when it was coming. I would be going along about my business hearing rain splashing down and then suddenly a watermelon of doom would break open. I looked for one that was just rain but no, why would you just want rain sounds? Are you sure you don't want some raven caws in there? Are you sure you don't also want some bagpipe music in the background? Are you sure you don't want the occasional scream of a woman being murdered? They're trying to drive me to pay for better sounds, I can tell, because the free ones are all completely unlistenable. I actually found one that was baby snoring. It was straight up just sounds of a baby snoring, and the whole time it played the screen showed you pictures of children sleeping so deeply they looked dead. I listened to it for hours. I'm listening to it right now.

Coming Soon

Your Blood Is So Warm

If I know one thing is true, I know that sometimes a poem is just some shit LL Cool J said in 1999. Allow me to take you back.

DEEPEST BLUEST (My Hat Is Like a Shark's Fin)

Uh, my hat is like a shark's fin

Deepest, bluest, my hat is like a shark's fin

Repeat 5x 

Manmade terror
Hungry jaws of death
Y'all don't cross my depths
I'll pause your breaths
I cause you to sink down forty thousand leagues
Bleeding to death with no arms and short sleeves
My world's deep blue
Killers gotta eat too
Looking for human flesh to rip my teeth through
Other fish in the sea but Barracudas ain't equal
To a half human predator created by a needle
Jet black eyes baby they stare while you sleep
When your Titanic sinks I'm the one you gon' meet
Hearing terrified screams they surround my team
All you see is trails of blood
Even God won't intervene
Nightmares of darkness
My appetite is heartless
Even if we related, you eliminated regardless
In the deep blue, underwater walls
Half man, half shark
My jaws don't fall

Deepest, bluest, my hat is like a shark's fin

Repeat 8x

Our Father who art in Heaven
Hallowed be Thy name
Killers sworn to beast
Swallowed them in flames
They switched my DNA
Trip me into Cool J
I can't fight the feeling
I'm born to kill prey
To survive an attack
There's only one way
Battle to the death
That's how sharks play
Weapons left behind
We dueling with the mind
You blind, crippled, or crazy
You're real easy to find
Struggling to flow with hemorrhages in your throat
Getting the lap dance while I smash through your boat
Eat your whole fam
Nothing left but a right hand
Clinging to a rail

Escape, attempts fail
You'll never make it home
Tear the flesh off your bone
Walking in undercurrents is a dangerous zone
I'm talking death out a moment's notice
You wasn't focused
Me and my crew strike
Like some underwater locusts

Deepest, bluest, my hat is like a shark's fin

Repeat 8x

Uh, uh take it deeper
Uh, uh take it deeper
Uh, uh take it deeper
Uh, uh take it deeper

These waters are waist level
The hallway's flooded
Lost your scuba gear
The killer's cold-blooded
His name's LL
You don't really want it
I ate your ancestors
The ocean is haunted
I'm closing in cause I'm supposed to win
How the cold steel feel when it froze your chin
Should of stayed on dry land
Stroke while you can
Cause now you under pressure in the land of the damned
Abandoned pirate ships
Eels and sod scum
Fish that glow in the dark
The Titanic's hub
Underwater storms
Your blood is so warm
Your life vest is off
And that turns me on
Killer for centuries
The Gotti of the deep
In the next millennium
I'm still gonna creep
Sand under my belly, ocean over my head
Through the light in the shadows
You become the living dead



I love his leather bustier so much

France Will Eat You, Little "Baby"

The following, and don't ask me how I found it or why I was looking for it, is described as a "Darling Little Baby Horse Costume."

It is manufactured by a company called First Fantasies--Costume Cuzzins, Inc. (What a good name for a company, by the way!) So here is my question to everyone:

WHAT PART OF THIS IS THE HORSE

The three feet, the praying hands, the racehorse blur?

TELL ME

Wet Little Snouts and Hay-Smelling Breath

You can read "Who Has the Whip-Hand over Aimless Animals" over at Zone 3's website. Animals animals animals! I'm on a beast streak and nothing can stop me!

ANCIENT ALIENS

A ghost is writing this, I am a ghost! I haven't breathed in eleven days because I inhaled ANOTHER germ somehow and got sick again and just laid down on the couch for good. Now I know all about television, most especially a show called ANCIENT ALIENS which I made into a poem for you:


ANCIENT ALIENS: 10PM Thursdays on the History Channel

Cloud shadows racing over Stonehenge

Cloud shadows racing over a Mayan pyramid

Cloud shadows racing over the Great Wall of China

Reenactment of natives shading their eyes against

an unbelievable brightness—what are they so scared of? Aliens

Footage of whirling galaxies

Closeup of a rain-stained gargoyle

[Panflute]

A professor of aliens appears, he speaks, “Am I saying

it was definitely aliens? No. Am I saying

there's a chance it was definitely aliens? YES”

Footprints disappearing up a sand dune

Sped-up crowd in downtown Tokyo at night

A butterfly lands in slow motion on the Rosetta Stone

Reenactment of a druid baring his chest while lightning flashes

[Crack of thunder]

Slow movement of a camera over a photograph to make the people seem alive

Is it possible that Ken Burns learned this technique...from aliens?

Glowing numbers and symbols swirl across the screen for no reason

Is this what it's like to be inside a mind...inside the mind of an alien

My Suggestions for Future Shows

Simulation of an atom bomb blowing up an Easter Island statue

while Hitler laughs and laughs, the camera pans down

and you see that “Hitler” is actually a hat that an alien is wearing

Simulation of JFK being stabbed with the point of a sundial,

an alien is doing it but he is dressed as an Aztec king

and screaming really hard the whole time

Simulation of an orgy in a meteorite crater,

an alien runs one frog-skinned finger

up the thigh of a human woman

and then nine months later Amelia Earhart is born

The camera travels inside the penis of Michelangelo's

David, we see that it is full of glowing sperm

and each sperm has the blank black eyes of an alien

Simulation of an alien crying a single tear

because he heard people didn't believe in him,

that tear becomes a flood that wipes out all humanity

[Panflute]

ROUNDUP

This is pretty much what my holidays looked like:

The best gift either of us received this year--

is it an animal? Is it an Idea? Is it one creature 

crapped by another, or a creature crapped by itself?

 

This is from the Christmas movie, the only Christmas movie; 

it is called Wee Sing the Best Christmas Ever! and it involves 

a group of elves named Dermy, Gusty, Poofer, Dimpie, and Snooter--

which are all like an alien's idea of what elf names would be

This is a fine game to play while drinking, 

because you are a sheep and the object of the game 

is to get the most wool before you get eaten,

and every so often when you roll a Danger

you both have to snatch for the wolf and howl as loud as you can

to prevent yourself from being carnally devoured--

Wild Wool indeed