Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Why Is Pure Sound So Hard to Find

There is a beeep beeep beeep in this new apartment, and I'm trying to conquer it with Free Noises from Nature, which isn't working very well because Free Noises from Nature are...bonkers, generally. The first one I tried was Free Rain Sounds and there was an earsplitting CRACK OF THUNDER every fifteen minutes or so which almost gave me a nervous breakdown because I never knew when it was coming. I would be going along about my business hearing rain splashing down and then suddenly a watermelon of doom would break open. I looked for one that was just rain but no, why would you just want rain sounds? Are you sure you don't want some raven caws in there? Are you sure you don't also want some bagpipe music in the background? Are you sure you don't want the occasional scream of a woman being murdered? They're trying to drive me to pay for better sounds, I can tell, because the free ones are all completely unlistenable. I actually found one that was baby snoring. It was straight up just sounds of a baby snoring, and the whole time it played the screen showed you pictures of children sleeping so deeply they looked dead. I listened to it for hours. I'm listening to it right now.


Sandy Longhorn said...

Wahhh hah hah. I'm still laughing. Thanks for being so funny.

Radish King said...

Jesus Trisha! I can send you a mix tape of ghetto sounds...gunshots, children throw rocks through a window, meth houses exploding and an occasional old lady fart.


Patricia Lockwood said...

The baby snores really put it over the top, I feel

Do it my Radish, I will receive this tape

Radish King said...


Wants a Crayon Fetish

Radish King said...

i hope you can read it somehow it seems to have run together. huh.

Patricia Lockwood said...




P.S. I could read every run-together bit in the email and THANK YOU FOR EVERY WORD

Elizabeth said...

I'm new here -- I came via Radish King -- wow. I want to jump right in, but I won't.

Except that if you find an ocean sound unbroken by seagulls, let me know.

Patricia Lockwood said...

Hello Elizabeth!

I tried ocean sounds too but after a while it just sounded like Aslan roaring at me with seagulls in his breath

Anonymous said...

If the babies looked dead, perhaps the sounds were baby death rattles played in an endless loop.

Patricia Lockwood said...

All too possible, Anon--this is the internet we're talking about

beth coyote said...

The beep could be a smoke detector. I had to take a hammer to mine after leaving it out overnight. So what if there's a fire.

I go to sleep to my cats fighting and smacking into walls. Very restful. Cat barfing however gets me right out of bed.

Patricia Lockwood said...

Our beep beep beep is the refrigerator I think! I would give up cold food just to have a moment's peace