Storybook Bears Fall in Storybook Love

Excerpt from novel-in-progress:


Paddington Bear and Corduroy lie down on the mattress together. A single lightbulb swings from the ceiling, illuminating the passionate fur of their faces. "What are we doing," Paddington breathes, lifting a paw to Corduroy's lips. "Oh Paddington -- I'll never feel lost again," gasps Corduroy, as the taste of warm marmalade floods his mouth. "Let the night watchman find me in your body." He enters Paddington with a forceful thrust. "Now I am the one who is a ... stuffed ... bear," cries Paddington, as he clutches the flesh of the teddy against him.


In the corner Pooh silently sits with his camera, recording every move. "Christopher Robin will be pleased," he says to himself. "Christopher Robin will be very pleased indeed."

FOUND PYRAMID POWER POEM

Do you know what Pyramid Power is? Pyramid Power is what cats would believe if they suddenly found themselves in human bodies. Have you ever seen a cat like perfectly place itself in a doorway so half of it was in and half of it was out? It thinks being like that in a doorway is a magical physical position that's going to help it live forever! That is a fucking Pyramid Power belief in action. Okay, so now that you know the real true facts about Pyramid Power, go ahead and read the Wikipedia entry. It's the best collection of fake information I've ever seen in one place together! It's gold surrounding dead people; it's a wonder of the world; it's a bowl of fruit that stays ripe forever. Let us make a found poem out of it:


Mock the Idea of Pyramid Power


I have built with cardboard 
some pyramids you can see,
........which first appeared 
in print in 1970. The concept 
........of pyramid power is: 
an open pyramid large enough 
to meditate under! Stand inside 
the Great Pyramid as a pyramid 
power. Function as a thought-
form incubator. Increase the rotting 
ability of one half of the apple. 
Sharpen the sharpness of razor 
blades. Improve the quality of wine 
within. These small carcasses 
are not decaying. Their structure 
is somehow preserving them. 
Small fish and the little piece 
of meat still hanging. Stumble
........across a force. Trigger 
sexual urges! Convince the Onan
family! Stand inside the Great 
Pyramid and release – release
books titled Pyramid Power.
Some people are so energized 
they cannot cope with the “dynamo 
..........effects” they experience.

A Monologue Straight from the Mouth of My Mother

*sneezing uncontrollably*

Sorry, it's the Lysol.

You know, we've had four houseguests for a week. What I mean is, each seminarian uses five or six electrical devices. It's a HUGE LOAD. And the electrical system just couldn't take it. So we've got Father Luigi. Don't you think that's quite a name for a South African seminarian from Sudan? He's 6'6" and he says things are pretty rough over there right now. They just bombed a Coptic church in Egypt. Until about a month ago, he hadn't been in contact with his family for eighteen years. Well they thought he was dead. He was a big soccer star, you know, and they thought he was dead. And he talked to them finally, and they found out he's alive, and now he's here, to buy 50 bicycles.

His friend is here next week, so he'll have to sleep on the couch. It's a pretty big couch, but I don't know if it can handle his length!

And now here's something I bet you didn't know: the baby had a fever of 104. 104. They went first thing in the morning to the doctor, but of course by the time they got there the fever had passed. So I went to the Botanical Gardens, and they're having their Asian Festival. You know, tai chi, kites, fireworks, tae kwon do, a lot of Chinese culture. So I walked around taking pictures. I took more than 750 pictures.

Well, most of them weren't usable. I had the motion setting turned on on my camera, but it obviously didn't work. I still got a lot of crotches, though.

It was 88 degrees today.

NEWSFLASH

FINE EVERYONE WINS I AM ON TWITTER NOW, you can find me here

Late adopter, you say? Why, I'm a later adopter than a man who adopts a baby when he's a hundred years old! (Twitter-type joke)

Anyway, this is happening, I'm on Twitter and I'm ready to "go hog-wild" with a "bird in my mouth"

That's an expression people use, on Twitter

(No it is not)

FYI

So it turns out that Elegant Choice is a real name. For ...  for a CREMATION ARK

Cremation Ark- An elegant choice

Our unique cremation ark provides 

an elegant way for pallbearers to participate 

in the procession of the cremated body 

to the final resting place

Experience our contemporary 

cremation Service 

offering our Urn Ark

WE NEED TO FIND A NEW NAME FOR HIM IMMEDIATELY, HELP

Wait now that I'm thinking about it, why not just CREMATION ARK, the best two words that have ever been next to each other

The Earth Is Flat and I Fell Off

I visited my family again for a WEEK, because I am crazy? Because I have the survival instincts of a pudding? I am home now but I'm not a human anymore, I'm not anyone, all of my fingerprints have been sliced clean off me. Was it worth it? Read another week's worth of my mother's quotes and tell me it WASN'T.

Speaking of pigs, the legally blind woman won the marathon!

Come on! How did Y2K get away with it?

One of the Bengals' wives had a miscarriage, and they lost the game.

I like your jacket, Tricia. It's bust-reducing.

He shook my hand. He has Parkinson's so it was a very interesting handshake.

Beau and Billy Fuggit are Marine Twins.

Your grandmother always wanted you to have a perm.

(Long pause.)

Probably because she was an orphan.

Some people do that with throwing up. They can't. Stop. Retching.

AND FINALLY, THE CREAM OF HER SPEECH

Why are poets so awkward? Have some of these people been malformed by associations like Mensa?

Anyone Else? No? Just Me?

A Conversation Had While Driving

Me: Something about suburbia that makes me want to fuck a dad

EC: Sexually I have a problem with you

Me: Why? I wanna fuck a Christian dad with milk for blood

EC: IT'S TRUE why is their blood made of milk

Me: I dunno but I wanna rip one in half and make him gurgle like Bishop

OH DO YOU WANT TO SEE A PICTURE

IT WOULD LOOK LIKE THIS