Wednesday, May 04, 2011

The Earth Is Flat and I Fell Off

I visited my family again for a WEEK, because I am crazy? Because I have the survival instincts of a pudding? I am home now but I'm not a human anymore, I'm not anyone, all of my fingerprints have been sliced clean off me. Was it worth it? Read another week's worth of my mother's quotes and tell me it WASN'T.

Speaking of pigs, the legally blind woman won the marathon!

Come on! How did Y2K get away with it?

One of the Bengals' wives had a miscarriage, and they lost the game.

I like your jacket, Tricia. It's bust-reducing.

He shook my hand. He has Parkinson's so it was a very interesting handshake.

Beau and Billy Fuggit are Marine Twins.

Your grandmother always wanted you to have a perm.
(Long pause.)
Probably because she was an orphan.

Some people do that with throwing up. They can't. Stop. Retching.

AND FINALLY, THE CREAM OF HER SPEECH

Why are poets so awkward? Have some of these people been malformed by associations like Mensa?

9 comments:

Sarang said...

I'm v. tempted to tweet these as "#fakeMLKquotes"

Patricia Lockwood said...

Actual lol, Sarang

Maryann said...

How many of these occurred in or around a Cracker Barrel?

Patricia Lockwood said...

NEARLY EVERY SINGLE ONE YOU PSYCHIC GENIUS

beth coyote said...

OMG. It was worth it, o Mensa malformed poet!!

Wow.

Patricia Lockwood said...

I got this dolphin fin from Mensa, just from being in Mensa

Whimsy said...

Don't EVER wear that bust-reducing jacket again.

Patricia Lockwood said...

I set it on fire immediately upon hearing that "compliment"

Pam said...

new book/website/sitcom: 'shit my mom says'