I visited my family again for a WEEK, because I am crazy? Because I have the survival instincts of a pudding? I am home now but I'm not a human anymore, I'm not anyone, all of my fingerprints have been sliced clean off me. Was it worth it? Read another week's worth of my mother's quotes and tell me it WASN'T.
Speaking of pigs, the legally blind woman won the marathon!
Come on! How did Y2K get away with it?
One of the Bengals' wives had a miscarriage, and they lost the game.
I like your jacket, Tricia. It's bust-reducing.
He shook my hand. He has Parkinson's so it was a very interesting handshake.
Beau and Billy Fuggit are Marine Twins.
Your grandmother always wanted you to have a perm.
(Long pause.)
Probably because she was an orphan.
Some people do that with throwing up. They can't. Stop. Retching.
AND FINALLY, THE CREAM OF HER SPEECH
Why are poets so awkward? Have some of these people been malformed by associations like Mensa?
9 comments:
I'm v. tempted to tweet these as "#fakeMLKquotes"
Actual lol, Sarang
How many of these occurred in or around a Cracker Barrel?
NEARLY EVERY SINGLE ONE YOU PSYCHIC GENIUS
OMG. It was worth it, o Mensa malformed poet!!
Wow.
I got this dolphin fin from Mensa, just from being in Mensa
Don't EVER wear that bust-reducing jacket again.
I set it on fire immediately upon hearing that "compliment"
new book/website/sitcom: 'shit my mom says'
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