James A. Cat Garfield, President

What, did you think after that last entry that I wasn't going to photoshop James Garfield's face onto Aslan's body?

YOU THOUGHT WRONG

Dead Presidents

Elegant Choice likes to rap me to sleep every night, it is his tradition, but last night this tradition...ended in tragedy.

EC (raps): I think I'm Big Meech, LARRY HOOOOOVER

Me: Who is Larry Hoover, what is that

EC: Larry Hoover is a famous criminal -- and also I think it might be a pun on that old president, the one who used to exist

Me: J. Edgar Hoover?

EC: No, J. Edgar Hoover was the king of the FBI, and he ... he built a dam

Me: No, J. Edgar Hoover was definitely the president, he had two sons while he was in the White House and he built the dam to baptize them

EC: J. Edgar Hoover was never the president

Me: Then what president is he talking about? Does he mean ... Eisenhower? Hoover, Eisenhower, those kind of sound alike

EC: He's talking about PRESIDENT HOOVER, Harry Hoover

Me: There is no such president as Harry Hoover

EC: Yes there was his name was Herbert

Me: THEN WHY DID THEY CALL HIM HARRY

EC: All the best presidents get nicknames -- Dick Nixon, John Fruitboy Adams, James "A. Cat" Garfield, Ham-Ham Lincoln, Mallard Fillmore

Me (crying): Why don't I know any presidents

EC: Because in your mind you live in Narnia, and the president of that country is a big cat

Together: JAMES GARFIELD

Truth: I Just Spent an Hour on This

LADIES AND MEN

Would you like to make your mark on the future of feminine care? Now you can, with the Kotex Pad-Designing Challenge!

LET'S DESIGN THE IDEAL ARTISTIC CUNT-RAG, EVERYONE

I call it BLOOD SWAN. (I think it is a crane.) They asked me for an Artist Statement and I wrote: "I thought of a swan bleeding blood from it, wearing a pair of Doc Martens and throwing the Golden Horns." I added the tags "blood, swan, boots, animals with periods." I am now ENTERED TO WIN. If you want to go to heaven when you die then I encourage you to go leave comments on my "entry" here.