Wednesday, March 30, 2011

The Animorphs Are Back and Feeling Weird Between the Legs

Bottom line: I took a wrong turn in my life somewhere and now I am obsessed with the Animorphs books. They are total puberty metaphors except a kid turns into a hawk instead of getting his first boner! It's like they were written with my specific needs in mind. The cover summaries always include SNAPPY CHANGE PUNS just to underline the point:

Everything changes. But not quite like this....

Cassie is about to make a change for the better....

He's only human. When he wants to be....

NEVER underestimate the power of a morph....

Change is necessary....

THAT IS PUBERTY WISDOM! There's an extra period in those ellipses for a REASON. (Because of menstruation.) Anyway, the second I saw my first Animorphs I fell in foreverlove; my palms got so sweaty, my heart beat out of my chest, and I raised my head to the sky and released a cry of "animal" pleasure. Why, you ask? Oh, maybe because the cover looked like this:


Remember when we could not use Photoshop very well
Let us go back to that time

3rd from the left is like the best rave outfit 
I could possibly imagine

THERE WERE A DOZEN BOOKS THERE; I BOUGHT THEM ALL AND MY EYES WERE OPENED: tweens becoming gorillas, tweens becoming salamanders, tweens becoming tarantulas, tweens becoming kangaroos

Tweens becoming...ladies and gentlemen

Not only are the covers peerlessly beautiful, each book also includes a flipbook printed on the page corners that depicts a tender tween in the process of going down on all fours or getting tentacles or becoming scaly or growing a kittenhead, just page by page turning completely bestial. These books do not stop giving. Open one at random and you will see a half-human half-anteater with just an enormous ass for no reason:

or a boy crapping millimeter by millimeter a tiger tail:

or....or whatever is happening here:

or whatever is happening HERE:

or....I don't know what this:

 Now I know what you're wondering: is there poetry inside these books? My children there is nothing but. Consider this installment the first of many.

I Have Turned into, Like, Lots of Animals

I was, like, in the restaurant? Having a croissant? You're MEAT! 
I shrieked. The mommy's making din-din. I have a mouth more 
or less in the middle. And I have turned into, like, lots of animals.
In eagle morph I killed and ate a fish. I ate it while it was still living:

You feel your weak, useless human lips harden and push out 
and out, forming the wicked, yellow, downturned, ripping, tearing 
eagle beak. So powerful it can grab and hold a young lamb.
Helpless! I am the eagle! You cannot resist me. Pure rapture, 
pure raptor. I ate the heart then it stopped beating.

It takes a fairly crazy girl to like a Bird-boy. I flew. I flew as only 
a fly can fly. I hooked up with him at his meadow. I morph 
to grizzly and we go at it, and jab about six inches of bear claw 
into the key slot. And now that I had touched that part of me, 
it seemed powerful. "Irresistible." Stupid, stupid word. We don't 
want to look like an owl convention. The night and owl morph --
it was like being some kind of god! My talon. At any moment 
it might turn into a toe. Until I had no flesh to tremble. 

Soon after that there wouldn't be room for a human. The others 
would never accept me as long as my simpy twin was around.
I could see dirty hay. I could see the feet of the other.
I began to acquire my twin. His DNA flowed into me as mine 
flowed into him. It seemed like forever. It was a fever.
..............................................I think I can slice my own throat.

Two arms burst out of my chest, and gut-rip staggered out. 
Out into a much brighter room beyond. When the room begins 
to squeeze the air from your lungs, call for me. Call for me. 
.............................................In purple ink call for me, purple.




M-----l said...

Those boxers totally ruin that shot. Couldn't you have strategically placed some of those fucked-up books in front there?

Patricia Lockwood said...

I pressured him to go full-nude but he refused, he's so uptight

Whimsy said...

As usual, E.C. is very buff. Does he go to the Y every day? Or do pushups first thing in the morning. Hell, I do, and I don't look like that. Oh, right, I have like 30 years on him.

Patricia Lockwood said...

I don't know how he gets like that! I suspect he JUICES. He is always doing these idiot pull-ups and those two black-handled objects behind him are like PUSH-UP MAXIMIZERS that he actually uses

Strong people are crazy


Valerie Loveland said...

I was expecting E.C. with some kind of animal print speedo.

(What animal is he morphing into here?)

beth coyote said...

Starfish girl, I wanna be starfish girl, wha, wha, wha!!!

And the boxers detract from the, ahem, scenery. Just saying.

Patricia Lockwood said...

I asked him what animal he was morphing into and he said A PENGUIN

Why a penguin I asked

Because it wears a tuxedo even when it's naked

Ian Wood said...

Penguins are always naked.