ALCOHOL STORY

Oh no I went to a bar again! It was even worse than last time because there was "live music," which meant a squat rectangular gentleman in a cowboy hat singing Don Henley songs in a fragile falsetto. When he was finished performing he came to our table and attempted to romance us, because why wouldn't he. And as you probably know, the best way to romance women is to tell them stories about how your dad used to beat you, "in a good way." He told me the reason he never tried any drugs was because his father had a bat called The Drug Bat, and he used to line up all the neighborhood kids and say, "I'm gonna hit you with this bat, and you're going to be unconscious for twelve hours and wake up woozy and confused," and when all the kids looked terrified he would shout, "That's what it's like to take drugs!" He believed that Kenny Chesney was his friend and had personally made "gay confessions" to him. At one point he screamed, "WHO YOU GONNA BELIEVE, KENNY CHESNEY OR THE MEDIA?" He was bothering my friend too much so I told him she was married, she had gotten married at Dave & Buster's and I performed the ceremony wearing wizard robes and a wizard hat. And he believed me. Favorite night of my life.