Sixteen of my family members just arrived in town for a relaxing vacation; it is going to be
so relaxing. How I've missed my mother's crazy iced tea cusses! She drinks, on average, about twelve cups of iced tea a day because "caffeine has no effect on her." (Except for the part where it makes her
actually insane. Whenever she calls me, she tells me something like, "God I'm so exhausted. I stayed up till three in the morning last night embroidering a shamrock on your father's best jeans.") Anyway, so she is addicted, and she's constantly on the prowl for fresh iced tea. Here's the problem: at some point she went to heaven and drank iced tea, I guess, and then when she came home and went to a McDonald's it wasn't good anymore. Her disillusionment is now too much for her to bear, and she has on many occasions told restaurant managers that their tea "tastes like sewer water." (She is a woman who offers too much information. Back during school days, my sick notes would say things like, "Please excuse Tricia from school Friday. Her father fed her pork rinds and she vomited all night long." In this tiny, genteel, perfect handwriting.) "Excuse me," she just barked at a 16-year-old service-child, "this iced tea tastes like
THE BATHROOM." I'll keep you updated on further developments.
OH GOD
OH MY GOD
OH MY BABY GOD
BREAKING
My older sister has a lot of beautiful little children, six to be exact, and after she had the last one she could no longer cram them all into her huge van. So she bought a huger van, used, that seats twelve people. I assumed that she had gotten it from a church, since they always have to cart around so many believers to camp and zoos and Holy Land Experiences, but no. No.
"I got it from a rapper," she explained, right before she came to pick me up.
"What...what does that mean," I said.
"His name is The Grindup, and he went to prison for a little while, and when he got out he didn't want his van anymore. Okay, I'm pulling up in front of your house now."
I ran to the window, and THIS IS WHAT I SAW:
www.grindup.com is now sadly defunct
"Get in!" she shouted, enormously pleased with herself.
But...but don't I have to be murdered before I can get in a van like that
6 comments:
So you can do Purgatory, or you can do your family. No need to do both.
Are you hiding the fact that your sister and her kids are now the rapping Partridge Family? Your mom is obviously claiming the moniker "Ice-Tea," although I think she may have to fight some guy for the rights to that name. Mac-10's at 30 paces?
She can appear on Law and Order: "Children Are Gettin' Fucked With" Unit, and sacrifice herself as an Expository Pawn in nearly every episode!
I just thought of something - I hope that Grindup didn't sell his van because he knows that the guys he ratted out for a reduced sentence will be looking for an over-sized van with "Grindup.com" on the side. I don't suppose the van's been bullet-proofed?
It was just a minor drug charge, apparently. Poor The Grindup!
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