Friday, March 20, 2009

SHOCKING TWIST

Speaking of kids, you will be freaked to learn that:






















No, it's true! The author proves it, in such elegantly-titled chapters as: "It Doesn't Take Long to Murder a Child," "Grab Him Back with Love and He Will Let You Go," "The X-Rated Children," "Kids Like You Don't Have Funerals," and "Smelling How Bad You Smell Can Take Your Voice Away." (If you find yourself perplexed by that last title, allow me to provide some context: "Smelling how bad you smell can take your voice away and unhinge your face, keeping only your eyes alive." I hope that clears things up.) The prose itself is dense with creature metaphors: "sell my tail," "johns prefer chickens," and, most cryptically of all, "he's seen the elephant...and gotten trampled." Now, you'd hardly expect it of a dude who is capable of such sentences as, "The street squeezes all the juice out of a kid," but I looked him up and it turns out he is famous for bad touch! WHAT? Who could have guessed? This is like an O. Henry story, practically!

5 comments:

Admiral Farragut said...

If the author likes to diddle kids, and sometimes God has a kid's face, is he telling us that what he really wants is to diddle God? Talk about your lofty aspirations!

Adam said...

also his name is really JOHN RITTER which made me cry

Tricia said...

Admiral, are you trying to make me do math? Math with words?

Adam, I saw that when I looked him up! A sitcom concerning his sexual antics would have been very, very different.

SarahJane said...

all i can do is express the great relief i felt that kid's had an apostrophe in the right place. that's all i can do!

pluctor.

ButtonHole said...

This John Ritter in "Three's Company" in which "three" refers to a three-year-old?

(Just for the record, I did spend 9 seconds having a moral quandary about this post: "Is it clever enough to overcome its bad taste?")

I decided so.

Oh and look! Confirmation word: annie. as in little, orphan.