Saturday, October 18, 2008

Open Letter to Tim Mahoney

Tim Mahoney, you pair of pants. I lived three doors down from your office and never once did you attempt to have an affair with me. The most you ever did was stop me on the street while I was carrying a bag of groceries and talk to me like I was a puppy--a puppy you weren't man enough to have sex with! HOW DARE YOU refuse to acknowledge my sexual presence in your neighborhood.


Shannon said...

That is hilarious. To me, Florida politics seem like a mixture of the Missouri Ozarks and Hollywood.

Hope you're well :)

Tricia said...

The seat is cursed! Oh, well, at least it wasn't teenagers this time, AHEM, MARK FOLEY.

RHE said...

It is a wonderful, All-American story. I had no idea who Tim Mahoney was when I read your post, so I looked up a report and was told,

Mahoney was elected two years ago following the abrupt resignation of his disgraced predecessor, Republican Mark Foley, whose lewd internet messages to teenage boys and Congressional pages created a national outrage.

The affair between Mahoney and Allen began, according to the current and former staffers, in 2006 when Mahoney was campaigning for Congress against Foley, promising "a world that is safer, more moral."

Too good to be true. Except that it is. And he paid her $121,000. And she has Tammy Faye Bakker eyes. And he scorned you, even though you had a bag of groceries.

Paris, said Hemingway, is a movable feast. The dummy. He never knew Tim Mahoney.

ButtonHole said...

"...a puppy you weren't man enough to have sex with"!!! LOL!!!!!!

Tricia said...

Ooo, Richard, we even have audio of the phone call where he fires the woman, saying, "You work at my pleasure. Do you understand what that means? You work at MY PLEASURE." That kinda sweet-talk oughta be against the law!

Buttonhole, apparently the man is a masterful seducer, so even a puppy should not be immune to his charms.