In My Day, Young Girls Read Pony Books and the Bible

I swung by the bookstore the other night, and immediately noticed that it seemed fuller of teenage vampires than usual. "WHY IS THIS?" I groaned aloud, and received as my answer, "YOU ARE IN THE MIDDLE OF A TEENAGE VAMPIRE PARTY." Of course. Of course I was. I know nothing about these Twilight books, but I decided to enter into the spirit of the thing, and so before the night was over I had my nails painted by a child, wore a blindfold and participated in a smelling contest, and wrote a love note to a fictional character on an enormous poster. WHY DO WE LOVE JACOB? read the poster. I had no idea, so I cheated and read the other notes, which included a number of inexplicable dog puns, which eventually led me to understand that Jacob is a werewolf. JACOB, I scrawled on the poster in huge romantic teen loops, SOMETIMES A WEREWOLF, OTHER TIMES NOT. "This Jacob," I asked the nearest teenage vampire, "is he incredibly hairy?" "Um, when he's a werewolf, he is," she responded, empurpling with disdain. A diamond tear trembled down my alabaster face. "You have drawn a sword of words and pierced me with it," I told her, and took my leave.