Monday, July 28, 2008

Touché, and Yes I WILL Marry You

Oh, Sweden. First of all, I never even realized that you had an oral tradition, but you do, and I am so pleased to discover that it encompasses a folktale about a princess ass that needed to be filled with a dead bird. Because she knew too much. The story goes something like this: a princess is intelligent, which has never happened. BUT. She must get married! The men line up because in addition to being intelligent, she is also an unparalleled sex-cutlet; but she chops off all their heads because they're not good enough. In fact, she decides that she'll only marry a man who is smarter than she is, which sounds like a terrible plan to me; I mean, Elegant Choice has basically the intelligence of a pencil eraser--he lives on the steadiest diet of mistakes--and I am a six-dimensional genius, but we are very happy together! Anyway, finally a little shepherd boy comes along, or should I say a shepherd MAN, and threatens to stuff her ass with things, which I suppose is what passes for intelligent conversation in Sweden. Like so:
    The boy, who'd never seen a princess in his life, stood with his mouth
open in amazement, stunned by how beautiful and elegant she was.
"Well," she said, "if you've already lost your voice, then maybe you'd
better lose your head!"
And the princess waved to her chief executioner.
But now the boy regained the power of speech.
"How terribly hot it is in here!" he said.
"Ha-ha," laughed the princess, "it's much hotter up my behind!"
"I see," said the boy, "then perhaps I might be allowed to cook this
magpie up there so I can have a bite to eat before I lose my head?"
And he pulled out his dead magpie and held it up before the princess.
The princess was almost speechless, but then she recovered. "You may do
that," she said, "but you're not going to be able to get it up there."
"Oh, yes," he said, "I'll manage as long as I have this wedge to help me."
And he pulled out the old wedge he'd found in the road and showed it
to the princess.
She grew very embarrassed and hardly knew what to say, but finally
replied, "That'll burst my little butt!"

--"The Princess Who Always Had an Answer,"
Swedish Folktales and Legends

No comments: