Saturday, March 19, 2011

Fragments from a Week-Long Family Vacation

Mostly and mainly composed of quotes from my mother


PREFACE
The best thing about riding in the car with my mother is how she turns on the Bun Warmer without telling you and then ten minutes later you burst into screams because your ass is on fire 
(This mostly happens to people who are not very situationally aware)
The other best thing about riding in the car with my mother is how much she talks when she drives
LET THE RECITATION OF QUOTES COMMENCE  

"Doesn't a Jonas Brother have cancer? What is the one physical thing with the Jonas Brothers?" (Five minutes later) "I remember! JUVENILE DIABETES."

"There were very bad storms here all week, you know. Later on, maybe tomorrow, I'll take you out and we can go see all the devastation."

"Look, it's the Purple People Bridge!" (Pause) "Someone got raped on that bridge, Tricia. Someone got raped on the Purple People Bridge."

"I've been having one of those, one of those, you know, Rube Goldberg days."
"That is not...a kind of day, Mom."
"One of those days where one thing leads to another."

"Ha! That dog looks like it's been sitting on a horse."

"I heard the worst scream in the grocery store. I thought some toddler was dead. I looked down the aisle and the floor was all smeared with red. Then I realized a toddler must have run into the wine display." (Editor's note: NO TODDLERS WERE EVEN INVOLVED SHE JUST DECIDED THIS)

"I was always a good student. Do you know I scored very high on the SAT?" (Pause) "The Sears Aptitude Test."

"Tricia, I don't know the name of your look...it's not dominatrix, it's not goth...what do you call it?" (Five minutes later) "Maybe...Urban Peasant."

DOMINATRIX AND GOTH, THE TWO MAIN KINDS OF LOOKS

FIN

Then it was over! Elegant Choice greeted me at the Melbourne airport wearing a shirt with the Kool-Aid Man's face on it, and holding not one not two not three but FOUR stuffed animals he had won from the claw machine. "THE CLAW MACHINE IS EASY FOR ADULTS," he screamed. There was a dog, a giraffe, and the following "penguin":

Instantly I thought, what if this toy were my penis

 Prediction: IT WOULD BE INCREDIBLE

ALSO, when I arrived home, he presented me with a love song he had composed while drunk, which contained the following lines:

Peacock got a trick eye
Hedgehog got an obvious home
Flycatcher gonna catch fly
Lawnmower gonna mow lawn

"Hedgehog got...an obvious home?" I asked blankly. Elegant Choice sighed. "His home is in a hedge," he said patiently.

PERFECTION

9 comments:

Whimsy said...

Everyone should come home to a love song.

Radish King said...

Darling, your new penis is enviable.
xox

ron hardy said...

You and your mom appear to be interchangeable. And now I've got the song, flying purple people eater stuck in my head. "one eyed. one horned..."

Patricia Lockwood said...

Whimsy, he actually recorded it for me! I will post that someday when the world needs to end

REBECCA THIS NEW PENIS IS AMAZING

ron hardy she gave birth to me; it was a horrorshow

Shannon said...

A Rube Goldberg day!! Your mom rocks! So does EC!

Also, my captcha reads "JOBRO"

Elisa said...

What about the fact that "home" and "lawn" don't rhyme? Nobody cares?

My mom talks a lot too!!!

Patricia Lockwood said...

JOBRO

I know, Elisa! The obvious rhyme would have been, "Lawnmower gonna give a haircut to the loam," but I told him that and he hated me for it

beth coyote said...

Where to begin? Sears Aptitude Test? You can get your tires rotated And find out you can't remember a bit of algebra? Brilliant. I once had to take the SATs (never you mind why) with high schoolers and I scored VERY WELL. I fear for the youth if it was graded on a curve. As for the rest of your post, I laughed until I wet myself.

Patricia said...

I would do SO BAD on the Sears Aptitude Test, I have no aptitude for Sears at all