Thursday, June 10, 2010

I Continue to Be a Marketing Genius

Me: "This spider's venom has also been found to cause increased levels of nitric oxide which, in male human victims, will result in an involuntary erection that can be very painful and last hours. Scientists are reportedly attempting to create an erectile dysfunction treatment that can be combined with other medicines out of the peptide that causes this reaction." God, I hope they call the medicine FANG-HARD

Elegant Choice: Bang Hard with Fang-Hard

Me: So good

Elegant Choice: Keep Your Thang Hard with Fang-Hard

Me: Bob Dole would star in the commercials--they would show a spider crawling into his unzipped pants, and then the camera would pan up and show a huge smile on Bob Dole's face

Elegant Choice: Be a "Prong Lord" with Fang-Hard

Me: I don't think the public is ready for slant rhymes in their boner advertising

Elegant Choice: We'll never know until we try

Me: Paul Muldoon would buy so much of it

Elegant Choice: Kay Ryan would buy so much of it

Me: Billy Collins would buy so much of it, to sex Emily Dickinson with when he is dead

Elegant Choice: Too far

9 comments:

Maggie May said...

dead poet sex!

hello :)

Tricia said...

It is the best kind of sex. Billy Collins cannot wait to have it.

Anonymous said...

So I could plainly hear her inhale
when I undid the very top
hook-and-eye fastener of her corset

and I could hear her sigh when finally it was unloosed,
the way some readers sigh when they realize
that Hope has feathers,
that reason is a plank,
that life is a loaded gun
that I Fang-Harded the shit out of her.

Tricia said...

Actual lol

Anonymous said...

The itsy-bitsy spider went up the water spout.
Down came the rain and washed the spider out.
The spider took Fang-Hard - ask for it by name!
And the itsy-bitsy spider's spout came up again. And again. And again.


Little Miss Muffit sat on a tuffet
Eating her curds and whey.
Along came a spider who jumped up inside her
To buffet her tuffet all day. And night, too.
Fang-Hard. Stir her curds in every whey. Use only as directed. If erection persists for more than 4 hours, try not to kill anybody with it.

Tricia said...

You made me go google "Little Miss Muffett fetish outfits," Anonymous. I'm gonna say it was your fault.

theotheradamford said...

too far is my favourite place to be!

Valerie Loveland said...

It is surprisingly refreshing that your product marketed to poets would be called Fang-Hard!

This type of thing would usually be named something more "poetic" like "Wind Rustling in the Sycamore Branches."

Tricia said...

Such a good point, Valerie! A true poet BonerMed name would be something like "The Rising Dough."