The Motherpanic Morning News: Gator Edition

My mother is visiting. She is a messenger from the future, sent to open our eyes to the signs of the apocalypse. Here is a representative quote, about the killer gators running loose on a nearby island, the killer gators who hibernate in red mud and emerge from the mud the color of murder:

"They opened up one of the gators to see how he died, and they found 22 DOG COLLARS INSIDE HIM."

I stared at her. I grasped her gently by the shoulders, and repeated, "They opened up one of the gators to see how he died, and they found 22 DOG COLLARS INSIDE HIM."

She paused. "Well, now that you say it that way, it doesn't seem very true. Still, what a bad gator."