Friday, April 13, 2007

TOTAL CHAOS FOREVERMONTH: I've Never Regretted Anything Else I've Posted, Why Start Now?

Oh my God. It is so early that I feel like I've been peeled. As you know, I am one of these people who rarely ventures forth into consciousness before noon or so, largely because of an irrational belief that the young sun is capable of sucking my life-force like a cat, but today I had to wake up at 7:30 because I am visiting the lady-doctor. I had to get a new one, because the last doctor had a thick incomprehensible accent, referred to Plan B as the "abortion pill," and recommended that I start taking Ortho-Tricyclen in order to "reduce facial hairiness." I don't know if you know this, and it's hard to tell from the pictures, but I am basically a Sphynx. There is no facial hairiness to contend with, though I often wish for something waxable and villainous. So this guy is new, and what's he going to tell me, that I have genius labia? Like he could even recognize genius labia if they softly bit his face. That my cervix is actually a tiny stack of gold coins? Because I already knew that.

3 comments:

OB Gyn Kenobi said...

Well, good luck with all that. I do wonder if you haven't been too hard on your previous doc, though. In cultures where the mother tongue leaves behind the thickest, most incomprehensible accents, female facial hairiness tends to be a rule rather than an exception. That she was sensitive to this condition should be counted to her credit.

Admiral Farragut said...

"The Abortion Pill" begets such lovely fantasies, such as: suppose it was a pill which you could throw at people and, upon contact, it travelled back in time and aborted them in their mother's womb so that it was as though they never existed? Ortho-Novum would make a pretty penny on that one, and no mistake.

Tricia said...

Ob Gyn Kenobi: she was actually very smooth-faced, like a shining foreign egg. My neck-beard stood out in stark contrast, and oh, I was ashamed.

Admiral Farragut: my God, I love your mind.