Me: "This spider's venom has also been found to cause increased levels of nitric oxide which, in male human victims, will result in an involuntary erection that can be very painful and last hours. Scientists are reportedly attempting to create an erectile dysfunction treatment that can be combined with other medicines out of the peptide that causes this reaction." God, I hope they call the medicine FANG-HARD
Elegant Choice: Bang Hard with Fang-Hard
Me: So good
Elegant Choice: Keep Your Thang Hard with Fang-Hard
Me: Bob Dole would star in the commercials--they would show a spider crawling into his unzipped pants, and then the camera would pan up and show a huge smile on Bob Dole's face
Elegant Choice: Be a "Prong Lord" with Fang-Hard
Me: I don't think the public is ready for slant rhymes in their boner advertising
Elegant Choice: We'll never know until we try
Me: Paul Muldoon would buy so much of it
Elegant Choice: Kay Ryan would buy so much of it
Me: Billy Collins would buy so much of it, to sex Emily Dickinson with when he is dead
Elegant Choice: Too far
dead poet sex!
ReplyDeletehello :)
It is the best kind of sex. Billy Collins cannot wait to have it.
ReplyDeleteSo I could plainly hear her inhale
ReplyDeletewhen I undid the very top
hook-and-eye fastener of her corset
and I could hear her sigh when finally it was unloosed,
the way some readers sigh when they realize
that Hope has feathers,
that reason is a plank,
that life is a loaded gun
that I Fang-Harded the shit out of her.
Actual lol
ReplyDeleteThe itsy-bitsy spider went up the water spout.
ReplyDeleteDown came the rain and washed the spider out.
The spider took Fang-Hard - ask for it by name!
And the itsy-bitsy spider's spout came up again. And again. And again.
Little Miss Muffit sat on a tuffet
Eating her curds and whey.
Along came a spider who jumped up inside her
To buffet her tuffet all day. And night, too.
Fang-Hard. Stir her curds in every whey. Use only as directed. If erection persists for more than 4 hours, try not to kill anybody with it.
You made me go google "Little Miss Muffett fetish outfits," Anonymous. I'm gonna say it was your fault.
ReplyDeletetoo far is my favourite place to be!
ReplyDeleteIt is surprisingly refreshing that your product marketed to poets would be called Fang-Hard!
ReplyDeleteThis type of thing would usually be named something more "poetic" like "Wind Rustling in the Sycamore Branches."
Such a good point, Valerie! A true poet BonerMed name would be something like "The Rising Dough."
ReplyDelete