COMETRADGY

It is never funny TO LOSE, or is it? Picture it: you are on a hell-vacation with your family, and your brother is repeatedly trying to draw you into heated arguments about how often cavemen had sex, and your mother is demanding to see the manager because the piece of Weight Watchers cake she ordered is too small, and your father is suddenly obsessed with The Phantom of the Opera and is making everyone sit in total silence while he blasts the soundtrack, and whenever Gerard Butler pushes a high moo out of himself he marvels, "Listen to that crystalline note! You almost can't believe how manly he is,"

and you have been telling your family all week long that even though you are a finalist you will not actually win, but they do not believe you, especially your mother, who cherishes a fond belief that she is psychic, and so when you say, "Remember how I told you I would not win? I did not win. These other humans won instead," they are completely unprepared and all pandemonium breaks loose: your mother is wailing, "Oh my God! Did they even read your wordplay?" and your sister is hissing, "Well excuse you for not writing the popular poems they wanted to read, all about race and the environment and getting raped," and your father is crying out, "HOW COULD THIS HAVE HAPPENED? I WISH THE PHANTOM WERE HERE."

READ IT AND FREEK

When you spend most of your day not writing poetry because you are too busy explaining to angry burger-eaters why women should be allowed to vote, it is almost unspeakably gratifying to come home and find yourself the 21st name on this list.

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