"The tiger can't change his spots. No, wait, he did! Good for him!"

Ladies and gentlemen, I am undercover. I exist as a waitress and only a waitress. I have disguised my true nature so thoroughly that there is considerable discussion amongst my coworkers as to whether I am intelligent. My boss believes me to be a "ding-dong." He also believes that God burns down the houses of unbelievers, and that interracial relationships cause...hurricanes? This was unclear, but it may be related to his other belief that non-white people "smell bad in summer." Obviously he is a charmer in the extreme. Last night he informed me that I resembled a nanny goat. "That is...not a compliment, in America," I responded. "But nanny goats are so cute," he cooed. "Keep those feelings in Greece, where they belong!" I shrieked. Another waitress believes that my "elevator may not go all the way to the top." "Not only does my elevator go all the way to the top," I answered, "but Einstein and Marie Curie are banging each other in it." She stared at me for a long while. "That's impossible," she informed me gently, and stopped just short of twirling a slow, pitying finger at her temple.

He Will Look This Way in Heaven

Words cannot express how much I love this Chris Ware panel from last week's New Yorker:
















It is a Kermit! It is a perfected Kermit.

A Flash...of NEWS

Last Monday I woke up so crony because I had turned 27 during the night! 27 on the 27th, it is called a golden birthday. I went to Disneyworld to celebrate, after first praying piously to St. Rebecca to protect me from the murderousness of theme parks. It almost did not work: the Carousel of Progress was out of order and the disappointment nearly ended me. ANYWAY, I did not have time to post about it because that was my last day of freedom. The next day I became a waitress, because of Economy, and I labor there still, getting air-licked by cooks and forgetting your potato.

WHAT DID I DO, Indeed

Oh my God, have you read Larry Rivers' autobiography? That man had sex with everything, including velvet chairs! He got Jean Garrigue pregnant and William Carlos Williams gave her a free abortion! What? WHAT? How did I not know this? Representative quote:

"Am I saying that if five women sat on my cock or masturbated in front of me, they'd have a perfect right to categorize me as retarded?"

Riddle me that, puritans! It is a question for the ages.