Further Adventures in Self-Sabotage

My "husband" forced me to apply for a Ruth Lilly Poetry Fellowship last night, because it is free and, in case you weren't aware, a dragon recently breathed on all of America's money, causing it to disappear. The entry form asks you to provide a 250-word introduction to your work, which is about the worst thing you could ever ask me to do. I start off by writing a fake lie about how my poetry is attempting to "dismantle the idiom," spend the next twenty minutes idly typing anagrams of my own name, and before you know it I'm sneaking away to Yahoo! Answers to ask, "Hello I am wondering what are some good fake lies to say about your own poems? BESIDES my poems are attempting to dismantle the idiom?" No one has responded yet, but I'm hoping I'll receive an answer as inspiring as the immortal one posted in response to a question asking, "What is a drawn/undrawn chicken?"

DRAW A CHICKEN THEN UNDRAW IT MEANS ERASE IT

Source(s):

BOK BOK BOK BOK BOK

In the end, I just ended up transcribing the big fight my "husband" and I had later, where he called me a "little whale" who was "standing in the way of my own fame." "What is more famous than a whale?" I wept. Then I typed INTRODUCTION at the top of the page, very huge, and sent the whole packet on its way. Once again, I must predict that I will not win.

SHOCKING TWIST

Speaking of kids, you will be freaked to learn that:






















No, it's true! The author proves it, in such elegantly-titled chapters as: "It Doesn't Take Long to Murder a Child," "Grab Him Back with Love and He Will Let You Go," "The X-Rated Children," "Kids Like You Don't Have Funerals," and "Smelling How Bad You Smell Can Take Your Voice Away." (If you find yourself perplexed by that last title, allow me to provide some context: "Smelling how bad you smell can take your voice away and unhinge your face, keeping only your eyes alive." I hope that clears things up.) The prose itself is dense with creature metaphors: "sell my tail," "johns prefer chickens," and, most cryptically of all, "he's seen the elephant...and gotten trampled." Now, you'd hardly expect it of a dude who is capable of such sentences as, "The street squeezes all the juice out of a kid," but I looked him up and it turns out he is famous for bad touch! WHAT? Who could have guessed? This is like an O. Henry story, practically!

Mother Forest, Abort That Child

Can someone who is more familiar with secondary Muppet characters please tell me what is going on here?






















It is...a log-baby? Being cradled by a space pig? This little nightmare appears on pages 1, 3, and 6 of Muppets in Space and subsequently vanishes from the book entirely, leaving not a word of explanation in his wake. Huge mistake, author! As Chekhov once wrote, "If in the first act you have put a log-baby, then in the following one the log-baby must die in a fire. Otherwise don't put it there."

You Know, for Kids!

Hey little children, what do you want? Candy? The circus? A robotic hand?


















Ha ha, okay, my bad, but surely you must want...