Did I Say No Drawings? I Meant No Good Drawings

In Case You Forgot, I Am Obsessed with Topol

David Chelsea is trying to teach me perspective. Good luck, guy! You're talking to a person who doesn't actually believe that objects appear smaller at a distance, and who actually does believe that if one object appears in front of another object in the same picture, the whole world is in danger of collapsing wormhole-style. He's all, "Draw a swastika on the floor," and I'm all, "Nice try, Hitler, but Tevye wouldn't like it."

ATTENTION BURGLAR: I Am Home Alone All Day

So some burglars came, and they drilled down the door across the hall! It took them probably half an hour; they were the worst criminals in the world, except for maybe those kids who recently attempted to rob a police station because they thought it was a bank. I watched through the peephole, taking notes, and I finally called the pigs despite the fact that the pigs are my enemies right now, because they're trying to pass a SAGGY PANTS BAN in my town, and you know I wear them huge and you know I wear them low, so this affects me personally. Anyway, I called the pigs, and there was a chase, and one of the burglars leaped catlike through a window and escaped, so the world is extra dangerous for me right now.

Murder Your Loneliness, for I Have Returned

I'll be taking a break from desecrapretations for a while, for I am embarking at last on my monumental Task, and it will consume all of my sweats for the foreseeable future. However, I'll still smear you with my text as often as I can, and in the meantime, the New Yorker Advertisement of the Day Award must surely go to the one that reads:

IS IT POSSIBLE
for a shutter to attract
TOO MUCH ATTENTION?

The answer is no! THE WOOD IS SYNTHETIC, the website shouts. THE CRAFTSMANSHIP IS ANYTHING BUT. Thank God! At last the world can wash its hands of shutters made by robots, and let in at last a human light.